Splinter
by liquidgarnet
Summary: She is splintering, jagged pieces catching on the people she loves, ripping them apart. Self destruction is her art form and in the world of the rich and famous there are no rules. In her world there is no him.


Chapter 1: Her downfall

She'd seen too many movies. They all glorified the drug culture, made it seem cool to slip into a bathroom stall and do a line. When you're famous you don't even have to do that, just sit back in the VIP room and enjoy. There are no rules, there are no limits. Jude Harrison was learning that the hard way. Standing on the steps of the 4 acre Promises estate, she puffed on her cigarette, willing it to last a little longer. Duffle bag at her feet she taps her fingers noiselessly against her leg, staring off into the dense brush of trees that crowd the main building. It is palatial from afar, but up close it looks too small and her nerves start to get the better of her. Any thought of turning back is undone by the appearance of a middle aged red head on the front step. Jude was starting to want a fix more then anything, knowing the momentary high could get her through the awkward first steps into the facility and away from reality. Stubbing out her cigarette she shouldered her duffle, letting her eyes close as the sound of the town car coming to life behind her. The squeal of tires against gravel ringing in her ears, no possible escape in sight, she let her shoulders sag with acceptance. Slipping her aviator shades on, Jude proceeded up the steps, ignoring the swell of rabid panic that overcame her.

_Jude stood in the bathroom stall, grappling with her up-do. It was the first public appearance since Tommy left and the fiasco of the record release party and she was starting to feel sick. Stomach in knots, Jude let herself fall against the toilet seat, crossing her legs at the ankle and tapping a foot to the imaginary beat running through her head. _

_He'd just left, like it was the easiest thing in the world. His goodbye was like acid, short and sweet before the burn, and it consumed her. Berating herself for the billionth time she tugged at the hairspray coarse bun, letting the strands fall into a clump against her back. _

_"This is hell, this is hell, sorry to tell." Her voice barely above a whisper she began humming, eyes trained on the painted patchwork of the stall door. _

_"Blondie get your ass out here!" _

_Unlocking the stall, Jude let out a sigh of relief as Patsy came into view. _

_"It's about time."_

_Patsy cocked her head to the side, lips set in a thin line as she waved a small bag of white powder. _

_"Well little Miss Muffet, excuse me for trying to slip out without Jamiekins on our heels." _

_Jude wasn't proud of herself for ignoring the dread of being caught and grabbing the bag from Patsy's hand, her own fingers trembling as she adjusted to the weight of it in her palm. _

_"Stole this garbage, thought it would be good to do a line off of." The CD with Karma's first single glinted in the shallow light of the bathroom, mocking Jude. The rest was routine, pour, section, and snort. The glamour of movie lighting, fast tracking shots and blue green backdrops was little more than a façade Jude imagined in her head. Real life was cramped bathroom stalls with sticky floors and the faint smell of sanitizer. _

_"Ready to go back and be D's puppet?"__ Patsy floated her hand in the air mimicking pulling strings. _

_"In a minute."_

_Left alone, Jude chanced a glance at her reflection, the taunting image of undone hair and smudged make-up appearing in front of her. Eyes glassy she let her fingers smooth out the wrinkles in her dress, the pads of her fingers flitting over the soft material in imperceptible circles. Tears tickled at the corner of her eyes but she breathed in deeply pushing them back. Smile firmly in place she fought to find her footing in the sandals whose straps dug into her heels, keeping up the charade was half the battle. _

_Dreaming comes so easily  
Cause it's all that I've known  
True love is a fairytale  
I'm damaged, so how would I know?  
I'm scared and I'm alone  
I'm shamed and I need for you to know_

_One shot, two shot, red shot, blue shot. Her mind was moving at a frenetic pace, fingers twitching against her jean clad thigh as she swallowed another Patsy concoction, nose screwing up as the taste of pure alcohol burned down her throat. Jude's eyes flitted about the room, taking on the dank interior of the bar; the mass of people was beginning to thin, opening up the floor in front of the stage. For some reason the Devil Went Down to Georgia, blasted through the room, earning a frenzy of approval from those too drunk to comprehend anything but the beat. Words blended together, forming nothing more then noise in her ears. Slumping against the counter, Jude watched Patsy helm the bar, the slosh of liquid against glass momentarily mesmerizing Jude. Her throat felt too scratchy to speak so she caught Patsy's eye and nodded once, earning a watery smile. One shot, two shot, red shot, blue shot. _

_I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me  
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me_

_Lemon tea with honey, after two shots of espresso; it was the only hope she had of surviving the day and having a voice. Sunglasses securely in place, she fingered the lip of her Styrofoam cup, slouching in the seat of her car and watching the door to G major. She was running late, the tick of the clock nagging at her. Sighing she finally dragged herself out of the comforting embrace of plush car seats and into the chilly May air. People stared at the minute she walked in but she ignored the attention, steeling herself for another session with Kwest. They were looking because they knew; the paranoid part of Jude forced her to shrink slightly into her baggy sweatshirt. _

_Jude winced at the sound of her own voice, struggling with the strain on her vocal chords. She could see it in Kwest's eyes; this was the fourth wasted session in two weeks, her voice cracking in and out as she pushed a little harder. The harshness of the notes in her ears made her step back from the microphone, wringing her hands in defeat. _

_"Why don't we take five?"_

_Jude nodded distractedly, tangling a hand in her hair and slumping against the wall. She watched Liam and Kwest talk, their voices lost to her in the soundproof booth but she could assume where the conversation was headed. With nimble fingers she fished through her purse finding the small vial pocketed in the corner. Clutching it like a lifeline she made a hasty exit, footsteps soundless against the ceramic tile. _

_She wasn't going to break down, she was not going to cry or bemoan her life, and she was going to be strong even if it killed her; it was. With unsteady hands she spread the powder along the counter, holding her breath to keep it from shifting away from the perfect horizontal formation. She didn't like the immediate feel of the burn, wiping away a small dribble of blood in disgust. The euphoric feeling took over and the red marring her hands was washed away beneath the gentle spray of the tap. She wiped her hand over the residue of powder, letting a single tear meander down her cheek. Jude wasn't going to wallow, even if the world was starting to crumble around her. Stepping over the ruins she dragged herself back to Studio A, ignoring Sadie completely despite an attempt to catch her eye. _

_Kwest watched Jude's measured gait, the look on his face unreadable. For a second her heart stopped before she shook away the feeling and attempted a smile. _

_"You're high." He took a step toward her, crossing his arms. _

_Letting out a tinker of a laugh Jude shook off his accusation, fingers fumbling over the control board. Standing was an issue so she sat back slightly, avoiding the inquisitive gaze. _

_"Right and Sadie's a virgin."_

_He didn't laugh, if anything his posture got more rigid. "Please Jude. I've been in the music biz for a long time; you think you're the first high singer I've ever seen?" _

_He roughly pulled her off the control board, craning his neck to look into her eyes. _

_"Fuck, Jude! Darius wants to see you, but you are tweaked." He let her go, sending her stumbling back at the force, her balance off kilter enough. She couldn't hold back a yelp hidden beneath an involuntary laugh. _

_"Whatever, Darius can bite me." _

_"No he can drop you." _

_Jude watched Kwest closely his voice echoing in her head, the edges of his body blurring and fading in her vision. She shut her eyes, taking a steadying breath before opening them again, the blurring was gone but colours edged into places they didn't belong. _

_"Look I'll square things with Darius, just let me get Sadie to take you home." Jude caught his arm before he could make it to the door. _

_"I'll walk, don't tell Sadie. I can't deal with her on top of it all." She left before he could, the echo of Sadie saying her name just a faint twinge. _

_Healing comes so painfully  
And it chills to the bone  
Won't let anyone get close to me  
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know  
I'm scared and I'm alone  
I'm shamed and I need for you to know_

_Patsy sat back, handing over the bottle of Jack. Clothes were strewn around the loft, the faint musk of age and dust swirling around them. The sun was high in the sky, cracks of light filtering through the boarded up windows, enough to aggravate Jude's headache. Three days without a cell phone, pesky sister or demanding record company and Jude was starting to think the world had completely forgotten she existed; which was fine. Three days of oblivion. Her body was numb as she sat listless on the worn in couch, an inch from falling off she balanced against the edge, cradling the bottle of Jack to her chest. _

_"Wanna go to the bar tonight?" _

_Jude shrugged, taking a swig of the liquor. "Why not, beats shampooing my hair again." _

_Patsy laughed but the sound felt too far away to grab onto. Jude got to her feet, pushing away from the couch and towards the only clear window. The pavement sparkled beneath her and she noticed the clouds were starting to roll in, the mass of grey overcoming the gleaming sun. Standing on her tip toes she stared at the end of the alleyway, watching the steady stream of traffic speed by. The raindrops started to pelt against the window pain, tracing ones path with her finger she smiled. Grabbing Patsy she pulled her out into the rain, laughing at the tracks of wetness soaking through her t-shirt. Jude angled her head upwards catching raindrops in her lashes; she didn't feel the cold, or Patsy's hand trying to pull her back inside. She felt freedom. _

_I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me  
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me_

_"I'm worried about you Jude. You disappear for like four days, no word; you're always with that freak Patsy and Kwest said you were high." _

_Jude stared into her vanity mirror, catching Sadie's pacing in the reflections edges. Jude applied her makeup with controlled precision, every movement choreographed and robotic. Sadie wasn't good at being perceptive, completely missing the glassy eyed expression. Jude floated from the vanity to her drawer, flitting through possible outfits, her sister's voice nothing more then white noise. _

_"Jude stop and listen!" Jude jerked Sadie's hand off her arm, glaring up at her sister. _

_"Sades I'm fine so just back off." _

_There's only for my soul  
And undo this fear  
Forgiveness for a man  
Who was stronger  
I was just a little girl  
But I can't look back_

_The room was black with smoke and Jude covered her mouth with her shirt sleeve, the figures silhouetted throughout the room only nodded in acknowledgement. She looked back and smiled at him, letting him take her hand and lead her further into the unknown. He was sweet and unassuming and more then a little do-able. His cheeks didn't have an angular cut like Tommy's', his voice didn't hold a hint of unknown origins. He was plain and she would make do. _

_Dancing, twirling, blackness and then nothing.__ Jude struggled to see anything in the darkness, shoving through the throng of people only to stumble back into them, some more than happy to support her weight. Hands skimmed her body and she fought them off, head whipping from side to side, trying to take it all in even as her eyelids drooped and her body rocked back instead of forward. Patsy was nowhere in sight and Jude sagged against the bar, fingers skimming the aggravated wood, every dip and cut was mesmerizing._

_I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me  
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've taken away  
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me_

_Jude got out of the tub slowly, her body was bruised and aching in ways she didn't know it could. Tying the robe tightly around her with shaking hands, she braced herself against the counter, hair soaking wet and dangling in front of her face. She touched the slight hint of a bruise forming by her temple and grimaced as a flash of pain seared through. In the mirror she could see the remnant of the night before's makeup still clinging to her skin, streaks of mascara visible under the light. Running a hand through her hair, Jude stepped back trying to compensate for the loss of balance by teetering on her shaky legs. She sat on the edge of the bath tub, shutting her eyes to stop the spinning of the small bathroom, avoiding thinking about the grime that covered every corner of the room. Her knees were skinned raw and she winced at the open breeze that pierced her skin. Cuts, bruises and aches and no memory of what had happened, every time she squeezed her eyes shut all she saw was the bar top, all the nicks and grooves her fingers had memorized. Her body told its own story, one she couldn't tell. Slipping from the edge of the tup, she curled up onto the floor, the tile a shock to her loosely held together nerves. Tears fought their way down her cheeks and soon she was sobbing, curling further into herself despite the hollow pain. _

_Jude's entire body shook as she fought to stand, failing half way through and leaning over the toilet to dry heave, her stomach empty. She skimmed her hand over the sink's edge, grasping a vial in her fist. The shaking was uncontrollable and slumped between the tub and toilet she slowly dumped the powder onto her finger. Just a little would make everything okay, even as she became more aware of the frayed edges of her memory, large blocks of time having evaporated. Roughly wiping her tears away she grasped her thighs, letting her nails bite into the soft skin, surrendering to the effects. _

_Can't go back...  
Can't go back...  
Can't go back...  
Can't go back..._

_Jude let her head loll to the side, trying to get the crick out of her neck. Realizing, she was still in her bathrobe splayed on the couch in the dark loft. Her eyes fought to adjust to the low light and she saw him silhouetted, hunched against the window pane. For a second her heart caught in her throat, thinking that maybe Tommy was back, but then he stepped into the light and everything went back to the way it was. _

_"Your nose is bleeding." He remarked without remorse, averting his eyes as she reached to wipe it away, a practiced movement. _

_Jude's voice was hoarse as she pushed herself into a sitting position. "What are you doing here Jamie?" She couldn't help feeling disoriented, looking around the loft for Patsy, who was usually passed out by her side. _

_"Everyone is worried about you; looks like you have coke whore down though." His tone was caustic and she flinched visibly, trying not to let her stomach betray her again. _

_"I don't know what you are talking about." Deny, deny, deny. _

_Jamie face was shadowed in darkness but she could make out the shake of his head, clear disappointment shining in his eyes. _

_"I found you in the bathroom, Jude." Her throat closed with sobs and she turned her head away, staring at the broken piano Patsy had made them drag up from the basement. That's when a feeling struck her just a small twinge in her stomach that grew, devouring her until she doubled over in pain, clutching her side. Tears fell from her eyes and she tilted her head up to look at Jamie who had crossed the room, stopping right before her. _

_"Patsy?" _

_Jamie looked away but she saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes, his body rigid and frenzied at the same time. A sob died on Jude's lips and she was on her feet, ignoring the sudden stars clouding her vision and the pain throbbing through every nerve. Jude ran through the loft, her feet slipping against the floor as she checked the kitchen, and then the back. Tears crowded her eyes and she shut them, standing still in the middle of the room. The feeling in her stomach grew from fear to outright terror and she clutched her side to get her breath back. She could feel Jamie hovering behind her, his shadow cast on the wall in front of her and she crumbled to the ground, fighting the blackness in her memory to see Patsy's face. The guttural sound of her own sobs was so foreign that she didn't even know she was crying until the wetness stung her cheeks and slowly dripped onto her robe. She didn't need to hear Jamie say the words; she could feel the loss already. People always leave. _

_I can't go back...  
I can't go back...  
I can't go back.._

_The rest was a blur, Jude's own movements happening in slow motion constantly behind a thin film of tears. Strumming her guitar on the beach, her voice hoarse from crying, she almost made it through the day without a fix, but then she let the fish go free and something snapped. The need for a moment of peace made her skin crawl and all eyes were on her, watching, judging and waiting. They could see rock bottom and she was about to hit it. One more polite smile and gentle hand on her arm and Jude would snap. That's when she started locking herself in the loft, constantly surrounded by the darkness, shadows her only company. _

_They forced her into the light. Threatened she would lose everything, and for some reason that scared Jude. She'd already lost Tommy and Patsy, her music was all she had left. Tommy told her to play the game and she would. They made her sit and smile in front of cameras; explain how accommodating G Major was being during her 'recovery' process. All while Karma sat alongside her, some prodigal child in the wake of a divorce. Jude grinned and bared it. Trying to resist feeling like something was off, her eyes constantly scanning the crowd looking for a familiar face, someone remotely friendly. The flashbulbs were blinding, and all she could make out were the tops of reporters heads as they shoved closer trying to eat her alive. _

_I must go on...  
I must go on...  
I must go on...  
I must go on...  
I must go on..._

Jude climbed the steps to meet the woman who had beckoned her moments earlier. She didn't look like a nurse in her pencil skirt and sweater set, a smile so honest it almost made her believe the place was where she was meant to be.

"Jude, my name is Maggie, welcome to Promises." She reached a hand out and Jude shook it tentatively, her eyes still adjusting to the sunlight. She'd become a night dweller and these early hours were making her queasy. With an unsure smile Jude turned toward the door, hands stuffed in her pockets she stalled, looking over her shoulder back at the long drive leading to civilization.

"Come on Jude."

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